The first week of the New Year! How exciting, promising, tantalizing, and glad that we could end the previous year surrounded by the many family members including many grandchildren. It was truly exhilarating to have young and old together as we celebrated Christmas the German way with real candles on the tree, singing, praying, and enjoying the annual performance by our grandchildren of the story of Christmas (which by now is depicted with more humor than serious intentions) and of course eating traditional German Christmas delicacies. Now it’s over and we all are recovering slowly, day by day.

Now, as is also usual, I am in my office going through much of my work in an attempt to sort out what I want to keep (which is most of it), and which I can discard. It’s quite an undertaking. It’s actually quite relaxing, because I can revisit the many newsletters and good wishes from my providers and my clients. I take the time to really savor these intimate writings that fill my heart and for which I provide a permanent place to resource when I am in need of support or validation. Oh yes, I do get down sometimes which really makes me feel human and part of the rhythm of life. Invariably I feel recharged and connected with all.

One other activity I engage in is to go through the many books on my shelves – recently purchased ones and older ones and simply pick one out that suits my mood. It’s quite interesting to me that when I find myself in this reflective mood I usually choose a book that without realizing initially resonates with me once I stick my nose in it. This time was no different. I chose The Pleasure Prescription by Paul Pearsall (1996) which I had read more than once, judging from my various comments on the sides of the pages. The Subtitle reads: To Love, to Work, to Play – Life in the Balance. Ah, my first thoughts were, yes, I relate very much to the first three – but – Life in the Balance? No, I am really not good at it. While I genuinely love people, life, and my work, I forget to balance. You know the old saying “Don’t do as I do” – have you ever felt this way? And isn’t it great to know that your teacher, coach and/or therapist is imperfect?

While I re-read the whole book, I particularly enjoyed Chapter 6. Wouldn’t you know, it’s about addictions – where I spend many hours reading, researching, writing programs and working with my clients? Here is what Dr. Pearsall reminded me of – that addiction is natural – yes, natural and the active use of our endorphins are necessary to keep us happy and strong. How on earth? Because it is adaptive, it assists us in learning what is good for us. Dr. Pearsall an Psychoneuroimmunologist (goodness, this word is almost as long as German words tend to be) has joined other researchers to unravel the bias of brain over mind (see references below). Let it suffice that feeling good is essential and positive and a natural internal stimulant provided by our Endorphins located in the limbic system of the brain. No doubt you all are already acquainted with that. The penalty for trying to create experiences that provide us with an ongoing high we unfortunately manage to create our own crash soon after as every “unhealthily” addicted person can attest. Sylvan Tomkins has demonstrated that no emotion can stay for very long be it happy or feeling low, we human beings are wired to provide relief for ourselves without having to extend much effort. So what is the solution? Pearsall suggests developing our 7th sense which means we can learn what is sufficient and savor the process, linger in the comfort of feeling good and become comfortable and at peace with fluctuations in mood.

Those of you who have studied with me have learned that the answer to our own tendencies is to savor our experiences, to lean into them, may they seem happy-making or painful; savor getting up in the morning and appreciably breathe deeply. Take note of what is missing and give it space in your life to resolve without pressure of immediacy, but don’t stress out over it if you don’t have an instantaneous resolution. Our 7th sense enables us to moderate our feelings and thinking, to synthesize what is and above all savor the process. Upon closer examination we can discover that “being” is precious, that we need little more than feeling “sufficient” with whom we are and what we have. Being addicted to more doesn’t bring peace of mind, rather it disallows us to learn who we are and can be and learn to embrace all aspects of ourselves.

Pearsall provides some suggestions for what is healthy and unhealthy, what a mild dose of natural stimulant will provide versus a large dose of internal stimulant. If we seek increased thrills to get high, we’ll only crash because more isn’t ever quite enough again (Pearsall, pg. 83). So when you are attempting to Gestalt Your Day, consider the following:

Healthy:                                            Unhealthy:

Slow, controlled                                fast, uncontrolled
No build-up of tolerance               build-up of tolerance
Enough is enough                             need more and more
Feels “Just right”                              gets “too high” and “too low”
Life energizing                                   all-consuming
Enhance relationships                   destroys relationships
Mind-controlled                               brain-controlled

I wish you well throughout this coming year, learn to enjoy a healthy, biologically available addiction and keep in mind what Pearsall suggests, namely that we don’t get killed by stress but by too little joy in our lives. And those of you, who want some assistance in turning your life into the right direction, I have much to offer you to resolve your difficulties and become all you can be, at peace with yourself and in appreciation of your learning, growing, struggling Self.

Resources for Your Reading Pleasure:

Emotional Intelligence – Daniel Goleman

The Feeling of What Happens – Antonio Damasio

The Developing Mind – Daniel Siegel

Affect, Imagery and Consciousness – Sylvan Tomkin

This is the time of year when warm Thanksgiving memories are still lingering yet become rather forcefully pushed aside by the excitement of planning and shopping for the forthcoming Christmas/Holidays Season only a couple of weeks away. It began in the early morning hours the day after Thanksgiving and is gaining momentum daily touching every aspect of our lives. We are beseeched  by requests for charitable contributions (in itself a good thing); dozens of colorful catalogs attempting to seduce us with sales – new gadgets, bigger and better things for less money – oh, let’s not forget no postage! Radio and TV advertising is at a fever pitch as is unsolicited advice via emails.  Although well intended, it’s more than annoying to consider during this potentially lovely betwixt and between time to be asked to reflect on 3 things that went well this past year, 5 experiences that failed; how to improve business/income in spite of the recession, and, let’s not forget – list some New Years resolution rather prematurely. Rather than still feeling warm and fuzzy and looking forward to the Holiday season, I feel like I am attacked by a swarm of gnats that I am unsuccessfully trying to get rid off.  Scrooge? Not quite yet but getting there unless I find a way of turning away and inward.

Betwixt and between – Personal Reflections:

I enjoy December and the Advent season, making an advent wreath and in anticipation of Christmas, light one of four candles each week. I like listening to classical music, opera, and Christmas music and love participating in, hearing and reading about different religious and ethnic traditions; as such I feel soulful and part of all humanity.

My favorite activity, however, is baking. I love to bake German Stollen, Linzertorte, and cookies and have the most fun giving them away to friends, people I love and appreciate, mailman, paperboy, garbage men – you name it!

Here is a sweet story (no pun intended). For Thanksgiving, I mailed a Stollen to Alastair Greenstreet, my incredible web designer, and his wife, Karyn, my indispensable business coach. Here is Aly’s response: “I felt prose rise up forth from my beating breast and into poetry.

Ode to a Stollen:
Standing here tonight
Anticipating a sensory delight
A stollen! A stollen!
You are mine tonight.”

If you could hear his voice, your heart would melt – mine certainly did. Aly even made a voice recording for me, but that’s mine and mine alone!  - no, sorry, not for sale.

Amazing, as I am writing these last few sentences, I am very aware that I no longer feel disgruntled but rather happy. I am smiling realizing how blessed I am and in awe that if I listen to my soul rather than the outside noise, I am happy and can touch peoples lives authentically, creating a spark of happiness in them as well. That is what betwixt and between for me is all about.

So, how about you?

Above, I wrote of my displeasure for giving unsolicited advice. Yet, here I go. It is something that I do myself on a daily basis. It’s easy to do, takes only 2 minutes and four seconds, literally, and makes a significant difference in your personal and professional well being. You can do this if you stand, sit, walk, ride in the car, while shopping. Try it, you’ll like it. Do each part four times.

• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four with mouth open
• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four with a sigh
• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four, open mouth and smile
• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four with mouth open and say ha, ha, ha, ha.

Breathing is generally considered beneficial. However, a voice coach taught me similar breathing exercises and ways to use these in a highly focused way so that they can have an accumulative effect. This is particularly important for those of you who work with the public, give classes, or work with clients individually or in groups.

Please let me know if you find these little exercises helpful.

In my 12-session training course – Beyond-Recovery – I spend one class on the power of and enriching possibilities that result from expressing gratitude for both, the individual and the intended recipient. The goal of the exercise below is for you to experience the power of expressing your gratitude to someone who has touched your life – not in a perfunctory way but with much forethought and effort on your part. In preparation for this undertaking I encourage you to the Gratitude Survey on the website www.AuthenticHappiness.com.

1. Reflect on someone who was very influential in your life that you have never really specifically thanked for the positive influences they/he/she had on you. Maybe a phone call or note might be a lovely surprise for the recipient.
2. You are a healthy human being, if not physically, then in spirit. Visit a nursing home or make a donation to a worthy cause with a note of thanks for the hard work others provide to care for the individuals.
3. Express gratitude to your mailman for bringing you your mail no matter what the weather; the same to the garbage people who faithfully pick up your trash in rain, snow.
4. UNICEF, CARE, many organization embrace caring for the poor and sick in other countries even though the Helpers often endanger their own lives.

The list is endless. Now I have some questions that you might want to ask yourself to savor your generosity and gratitude; being grateful always brings good feelings to yourself and others around you.

1. How do you imagine how you may feel enriched by expressing gratitude to someone?
2. How do you imagine the recipient may feel?
3. Did you recall the positive effects of this experience in the days that followed?
4. How much time and energy would you be willing to invest into making expressing gratitude a new habit that will change you and has positive impact on others and thus creating a better, happier world?

Whatever you decide to do with the above suggestions is certainly your decision. Personally, I hope that you will feel fuller and enriched by whatever you undertake.

A little personal expression of gratitude is to the individuals who made my emigrating to the United States a possibility as the result of donating  $1.— to CARE for an Army ration package to my family right after horrible WWII  and my parents’ written expression of gratitude in response to the donors in the United States.

Confession:

I am sitting here rather shame-faced because I promised you two years ago that I would write to you regularly; so much for good and honest intentions.  Would you believe it, my last blog/newsletter was written on my birthday, March 28. 2011. Seems like such a long time ago, 7 months to be exact. What happened? My impulsive response – “I don’t know “- didn’t sound believable even to me. Upon reflecting, actually much has happened; there were earthquakes, tsunami, many wars, economic woes, failed mortgages, unemployment, diseases, poverty, flooding, and draught all over the world with no end in sight to this date. Is there such a thing as feeling guilty for being so impacted by these tragedies because I am one of the more fortunate ones? I guess its survivor guilt which is all too familiar to me from my childhood. However that, too, is non-sense and for a $1.75 would buy me a cup of Starbucks coffee. I have no clear answers to calm myself and begin re-focusing on what I love to do most – working with you and caring for my clients, friends and family. I have become ambivalent and riddled by indecisions that I think it only fair to you and best for me to bite the bullet and speak openly of what has been going on for me. I don’t know if any of you ever get such a feeling of suddenly questioning if what you are doing daily has purpose, is meaningful and matters at all? Everything I considered had question marks, it was really maddening. You know questions like: Should I retire, should I go back to practicing therapy, is coaching really the thing to do during these hard times? Or, should I leave all I have worked toward and offer myself to volunteer services? While I wouldn’t be surprised if you answered yes, of course, who doesn’t question life, I for one have decided that enough is enough, that the answer will come when I am ready and available to accept it. I guess it’s called trust and patience. Thank goodness that I have my large garden where I can tend to flowers, say hello to the birds, squirrel and deer and feel one with nature. I have lots of blessings.

And where are you?

I hope that I didn’t depress anyone with my woes, temporary as they may have been. I am thinking with support and a warm heart of the many people I mentioned above, those who have no choices and must endure, no matter what. I smile when I think of my clients who are working so hard creating a syntonic life; the addicted/recovered people who surprise everyone because they succeed, the older people who embody the wisdom of a lifetime and smile at our meanderings and doubts, and last but not least everyone who touches our lives and we have the privilege of touching theirs.

I want to end this blog with a very lovely and soothing poem by Reiner Maria Rilke

And my dearest good wishes for a lovely Day.

Until next month…………I promise!

The Waking by Reiner Maria Rilke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you? ‘.
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

How About that:

Yesterday was my 78th Birthday. Yup!  All day long! I must admit that I really do not relate to the number 78. I know that I am a very fortunate person. I have a wonderful husband four equally great children and eleven grandchildren; everyone is healthy and caring, loving life in all its diversity, challenges, joys and disappointments. I am asking myself, why am I writing all this? Certainly the big wide world of the internet isn’t interested in that little bit of insignificant information. Well, when I sat down to write my newsletter I reflected on a message and thought that perhaps to simply write spontaneously what’s on my mind at the moment might be the best way. So here it is.

As I reflect on my life, which I usually do on my birthday, I realize more every year how extraordinary my first 20 years of life were. I was born at a time of history when horrendous atrocities were committed by some incomprehensibly evil person/s. As a result, ordinary people like me and my family died or were traumatized and tormented for years in other ways. Yet, here I am, in America, sitting at my desk in the office of our beautiful home, feeling enriched in so many ways, in spite or because of my dark past. I don’t know how I would be today without the horrors I experienced – but I do know one fact for certain – that life is a miracle and the good Lord gave us the gift of choice –sometimes a curse, but eventually, I learned that it is a blessing that equals nothing else in life. Did I suffer? Of course – then and for 10 years after I was twenty I was deeply depressed because I could not adjust to the American way of life – it was too jarring coming from where I was. Today it would be called Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome which is obviously survivable.

What’s the benefit?

As I am writing the above, many thoughts and feelings emerged which thematically lead nicely into what I thought of writing about. I guess after reading the above, the connection might make sense to you. Most of you know that I have worked in the field of addiction for many years (as in many other areas of mental health), and I am often asked what prompted me to adapt such diverse views on addiction treatment in my practice, popular writings and trainings from what has been considered the norm, namely AA and the disease concept. The answer is relatively simple; my clients taught me. I listened with an experienced heart, not addiction, but life; I believe from my own experience in the resilience of the human spirit and instinctual desire to live. I also know that often life has the tendency to push us into directions that we might later regret – oh, the blessings of a troubled mind – the red light making us pause to reflect and listen to, or try to discover, that which could put our soul at rest; an answer that none other than each of us holds deep within. I guess, in America this is called Freedom and Integrity. There are many ways which lead to the answer – as Robert Frost encourages “travel the Road less taken” and Robert Kegan writes we “are in the throes of our own becoming”. Aren’t these two wonderful quotes? How life affirming and supportive! To realize that our past gave us information about ourselves, how strong we really are and how wise the detours were that now make sense, because we are alive and able to fully comprehend the choices that we are privileged to make because we are not only responsible but response-able.

Yes, there is much to learn. A baby must learn to walk before it can run, the now adult must learn and practice making the word love a verb before one can love another. The life skills that couldn’t be learned in a healthy developmental sequence, moi included, can now be recovered using the supportive, process-oriented Growth Process Affirmation™. They will add to the difficult lessons learned and hold the potential to realize one’s self in many dimensions, share the gifts with others and make this a better world – one little action at a time.

So, you see, nothing in life is wasted – ever. We can recycle ourselves based on our unique strengths and become the creatures God intended us to become and the world needs. It’s called Opportunity.

Carpe Diem

I took six vacation days and with my husband went to visit our daughter and her family in Florida. They had moved there only a few months ago. I was wondering how we would like it because the first and only time we had visited Florida we liked nothing about it. All we saw was “old” people playing shuffle board. In defense of my ignorance I must tell you that I do not recall the year of our visit but having been interested in purchasing an Audi, they cost a glorious $12,500.—at that time, will attest that it was many years ago.

Well, this time was very different. We loved it, seeing my family of course, how happy they were, the sun, the houses the pool, the very friendly people – it was almost scary, everyone on the road smiled and gave some kind of greeting. We enjoyed encountering the bicyclists, the golfers, boaters, the grocery stores’ personnel. Could it be that they didn’t suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)? Can’t be, they, too, had a very harsh winter; a different life style perhaps? It seems that every country has a south where the pace of living is different. Floridian life style appeared definitely different from our frenetic way of being on the East coast – at least from my perspective and experience.

Personal Reflections

Unfortunately, I had only one glorious day basking in the sunshine and sight seeing. Then I began to be very ill for the rest of the time and was fortunate to be able to travel on the plane to return home. I must add that even the treating M.D. and nurses were sweethearts.

As a result of this unwelcome interruption of our plans, I had lots of time to reflect on how I was living my life and the frailty of being human. Fritz Perls, the co-creator of Gestalt Therapy once wrote that if you want to know how a person lives life, just observe them eating a meal. Well, even at my age of 77, I still eat and drink fast, one might even say gulp at times, I work long hours and I prefer to have things done yesterday.

It’s not all bad, however, I love life and everything in nature, I am curious about everything, I can lose myself listening to opera and classical music, enjoy theater, gardening, and savor my time being with family and friends; but for the most part I am on automatic pilot. I asked myself is it out of habit, to avoid experiencing restlessness, is it because I have a passion for living and for my work and I can’t – won’t let go? Or, is it possible that this is simply who I am? What is of value to me is that I have choices here; it would be unfair to put responsibility on anything or anyone. So the question is how do I stop myself doing what would be more healthful. Perhaps much of it is habits?

Habits are a funny thing. They certainly can make life easier as we can’t possibly reflect on everything prior to doing it. But many times, I have the impression that the habits have us. It’s certainly devilishly difficult to change them, especially if, after much reflection, we discover that they actually serve a purpose or evolved and developed from something innocent that once worked. Brushing my teeth three times a day – or more – doesn’t get in the way, working twelve hours a day, I discovered in my meanderings, really does. Consider my Mother’s admonishments in the prayer book she gave me with much love in her heart when I left for America as an innocent 18 year old – “Arbeite und Bete” – work and pray. It is certainly the German way. Perhaps I followed this advice because, because, because? Nonsense! It’s my task to figure it out and change it to what? That’s the exciting prospect – oh, the possibilities. We’ll discuss more about habits in the next few newsletters.

So, how about you?

Do you have habits you do not like? Silly question perhaps because we all have them. I would encourage you to choose one, not a particularly troublesome one and

* Write it down and give it some thought
* Don’t change anything yet
* Ask yourself what possibilities you see replacing the habit
* Notice your body posture and visceral experience as you are contemplating this
* Don’t do any more for now, simply raise your awareness